All Saints Day

All Saints Day Feast

As a teacher in a Catholic school for many years, I loved celebrating All Saints Day with my students at school, so once my own children came along, we wanted to observe it well in our home too. We talked about it when my first-born was small, but it wasn’t until he turned four that we really began to observe this holy day.

My family’s first All Saints Day dinner was November 2012, the year my sister passed away. Still in the absolute throes of grief, I felt that nothing I did to acknowledge her absence was enough, but yet I felt I must do ALL THE THINGS to acknowledge her. It felt disloyal to her to miss even one opportunity to do something around her absence – she died so young, just 31, and I physically ached with missing her.

So, I planned a dinner a for All Saints Day that included foods Sissy loved, especially our Daddy’s biscuits, her favorite Brussels sprouts and the carrot cake from The Grit that she always made for special occasions. We decorated with her many saint books, as she had a special affinity for saints, and we put up her beloved owl décor everywhere!

Within the 18 months that followed my sister’s death, both of my precious grandmothers passed away and even my sweet little dog did too. It was a hard, HARD season of life.

As the now-only child, I carried my own grief missing these loved ones, but I also carried my parents’ grief. Not because they asked me to, but because often when people we love are suffering, it hurts us too. The weight of so much loss was hard on everyone, so I channeled as much as I could into gratitude for these loved ones and honoring their memory.

As our All Saints feast dinner developed, we included Mimi’s famous mac and cheese casserole, Memaw’s delish pork tenderloin, and Miller Lite for my husband’s late father, Pat. Our children were now school age, which means they began to have an activity schedule that we had to work around. From this new season of life came our latest addition to All Saints Day – the snack feast!  We have added St. Isidore’s (candy) pumpkins, St. Francis’ animals (crackers), St. Bernadette’s firewood (pretzels), St. James’ fish (both gold and Swedish), St. Juan Diego’s salsa, St. Gabriel’s trumpets (bugles) and this year I think we’ll add St. Cecelia’s piano keys (wafer cookies and Hershey sections). This way, we can observe All Saints Day on the actual day and then if we need to move our special family-recipes Saints celebration to another night, it’s easy to do.

Some people leave an empty chair for family members who are missed; at this point, we would have nearly a full table of empty chairs so for us, lighting a candle is more logical. We decorate our table still with Sissy’s saint books, saint medals from Mimi, pictures of favorite saints, and a candle for each family member who would be present with us if they were still of this earth.

My daddy Steve passed away in 2018, and unsurprisingly his biscuits are the number one thing the kids want to have in our Saints dinner. Of course, the trouble is, nobody makes biscuits like Stevie did. I make them well enough, but only he could make them with the nuances of perfection as someone who had made them for years and years. We have grown to love our family’s way of liturgical living at home – with food, just the way these loved ones would have enjoyed too!

Am I the Grief Girl?

May is that perfect storm for me. Busy-busy-busy, which is my drug of choice. When I’m very busy, I don’t have time to ponder what I’m missing or what I’m upset about. I can be “stressed” by having to be in too many places at once, rather than angry because I'm missing another precious family member.  I can be grouchy about not having any time to decompress, instead of grieving because my daddy and my sister are not here for my daughter's first communion, or my son's birthday, and my children are missing out. 

May is a bit of sunshine, and a lot of sting. May is birthdays, special days, celebration days like end of season parties, class parties, awards celebrations, field days and yearbooks and birthday parties. May is days that other people treasure, but that bring mixed feelings of sadness and injustice for me, like Mother’s Day. May is gray days, crapiversaries, dark black holes of sadness with no floor in sight. My sister died suddenly on Mother’s Day, and my dad died suddenly after my son’s birthday, who was named for him. 

I always say grief and gratitude are a balance, a discipline that must be learned and practiced regularly. It’s true, but the thing is, you so rarely arrive at “coasting” – that point where it’s a little easier, more routine.

When my sister’s death at 31 left us all in shock and disbelief, I found a group I could join as a way to work through my grief. It was an incredible blessing, this Grief Share group. 

 I remember one piece of advice from that season which resonated with me right away: don’t let grief become your identity. Don’t let this define you. Don’t allow this event in your life to become what you’re known for from now on. Grief and loss will always be  part of the fabric of who you are – but don’t let it be your marquee title.

This is admirable, and wise. We are more than our feelings, that is important. However…grief keeps finding me. Death keeps catching up with me. My beloved little dog, both dear grandmothers within 6 months of each other, and now my daddy – all within a span of a few years. I’m wondering if, in fact, grief IS to be my identity.